Leaning and Learning

A Single Footprint

2010-05-28T14:39:00.003-05:00

Brian and I went to Destin a couple of weeks ago for a four day mini-vacation to celebrate our 15th anniversary. It's the first time we have gone on a vacation where our hotel had a private beach area. During our first walk along the beach I noticed that my footprint was there only until the first wave reached it. It made me think about the footprints I leave behind me. Will the marks I leave in the lives around me last? Or will they fade when the next wave of life hits them?

I want to make a lasting impression in the lives of those around me. I want God to use me to help those I am in contact with to have a permanent mark on their lives that results from a supernatural experience with God. Don't let your footprints fade away.

Memories

2010-05-10T23:11:00.003-05:00

My parents were here on Saturday and my mom & I got to looking at some old pictures of the girls. I just love this picture of them together. I love the way Kadie is stroking Paige's head in this picture. Kadie loved her "Paisey-Poo" very much. They played together, ate together, and rested together. I sometimes forget how small and sweet they were. They seem so big and grown up now.

Spring!

2010-03-30T19:16:00.002-05:00

Spring has made it to SW Oklahoma! I'm enjoying the week of spring before summer. It never ceases to amaze me that we will long for 70 degree weather and then only get to enjoy it for a week or two before the weather turns hot. The girls and I were industrious in the fall and we now have beautiful hyacinths, tulips and daffies beginning to bloom. It's been so much fun. The girls will run out and check to see if there are new blooms a couple of times each day. I have to admit that I've been going out and looking, too.

The girls are loving life in Mountain View. They have joined a girls' softball team and are doing very well. This is the first time they've played it. They can't wait for the real games to start. This is a new chapter for Brian and I. We've never been able to let them participate in something like this before. I'm glad that they like to play and that they are making good friends.

I'm especially glad that spring has finally made it!

Loving This Life!

2010-02-25T23:06:00.003-06:00

I love living in Oklahoma. I mean seriously...where else can you have 60 degree weather one day and a blizzard the next? (Christmas Eve) In January, we got at least 1.5 inches of ice, lost our electricity for a week and took an unplanned trip to Oklahoma City. Now, it looks like we will have even more snow in March. You just never know what tomorrow will be like.

I love not having a job! I have such a sense of relief now. My work now is to be wife, mommy, teacher and babysitter every Tuesday and Thursday for a sweet baby girl.

I love my children. Although, I want solitude at times, I enjoy being there for them. Kadie asks some very fun and insightful questions. Paige is always willing to give a hug and kiss.

I love getting to gear up for summer church activities. I am in charge of Vacation Bible School this year. It's weird to be planning for summer when it's 30 degrees out, but it's something to look forward to. We will be making a return to Falls Creek this year. Can't wait! And then there's the Free Fair to look forward to in August.

Most of all, I love my husband! Brian and I will celebrate 15 years of marriage on March 18. We made arrangements last night for a trip to the beach in Destin, FL. May can't get here quickly enough! I look forward to the next 15 years with him!

2009 - Big Changes; 2010 - What Will You Be?

2009-12-31T21:59:00.002-06:00

2009:
New Church
New Town
New House
New Friends

While these are all good changes, there was sadness as we said "goodbye for now" to friends from Faith Crossing. Moving out of my OKC house was hard for me - my memories are triggered by places or things and my most of my memories of Jacob are attached to that house. God has been good to us in 2009: new ministry for us, no more financial worries, friends for our children and a good community to be part of.

Coming in 2010:
I will get to QUIT my job at the end of January!!! That's the only sure thing I know of for this coming year. For the rest, I can only wonder!

"Tis the Season

2009-12-01T20:51:00.002-06:00

I love the Christmas season. My home is decorated with love and cheer. Now I can watch Christmas movies and Brian won't make fun of me. I have almost finished my Christmas shopping and the girls are so excited about all of the coming events.

We sold our house in OKC and closed on it last month. My wonderful husband has given me "permission" to quit my job if I want to. It feels wonderful to have that freedom. I think I'll probably do one or two cases a month just because it's easy money. But, it is great to have a choice now. It's probably one of the best Christmas presents ever.

Our church life is good right now. I'm finally starting to feel comfortable and I am getting to know the women in the church. Our family seems to fit in well with the people and they seem to appreciate Brian. The town is decorated for Christmas and we got to participate in a town-wide holiday open house. Life in a small town - new experiences, lots of fun.

It's Been Awhile

2009-10-31T22:04:00.002-05:00

There are several things I could blog about. Most recently is that we have a contract on our OKC house and will close by 11/13! What a relief that will be. School is going well with the girls. I have taken on the after school program at church and that seems to be going well. There are several adults and youth who are faithful each week to help. We're even almost completely unpacked (only three months in)! I still have moments of anxiety. It really bothers me because this has never been an issue for me. I keep reminding myself that God is the ultimate fear-flicker and it usually passes. As each week passes, it gets better and I have fewer moments of fear.

I have returned to working. It has been good for me. Initially, I took five cases because the house was unsold, but after the 13th, that will no longer be an issue. The negative is the amount of driving I'm having to do. My closest case is a little over an hour away. There is a positive to the distance. I'm getting a little time alone that way. I am one of those people who must have time alone. If I don't, I never seem to be able to have time to think.

My next post will address being thankful. I love fall!

My Fear Flicker

2009-10-02T22:09:00.002-05:00

God is my fear flicker! I never had an issue with fear before 2006. I mean, I would have an occasional worry...but never real fear. In 2006, our lives were changed from secure and knowing the future to insecure and unsure. It was a tremendous time of growth for me. We eventually settled into a routine. We had an income. We were enjoying a new level of closeness with our family and things seemed to be moving forward. In March 2008, we learned that Brian's income would end in May. New fears...when will God provide a pastorate for Brian? How will we pay our bills? In August, new fears arose after the death of my nephew. They were all irrational. I placed my trust in God and tried to focus on Him.

Well, I felt that my fears were under control and I was done with them. And then, God goes and answers a few of our prayers. Suddenly, I'm beset by fears again! As is normal, the fears were irrational. Nevertheless, they are there and I have to deal with them. I lost 15 pounds in two weeks. (All of my fears seem to settle in my stomach.) I tried to handle my fears on my own and ended up having panic attacks. I was about to ask my doctor for anxiety medicine when I finally came to my senses and talked with God about it. He became my ultimate "fear flicker"!

I was praying one night and had a sudden vision (rather cartoonish) of myself with all these fears hanging onto me - like oversized bugs. There was this huge hand that started flicking them off of me. I had such a sense of relief. I swear I felt my stomach unclench. I knew that the hand belonged to God and He was bigger than my fears. He also reminded me of 1 John 4:18, "Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear." I have had to remind myself of this over the last week or so, but I am no longer controlled by my fears. When I begin to be fearful, I just remember my verse and think of my "Fear Flicker".

Ahhhhh Fall!

2009-09-27T22:42:00.002-05:00

I love Fall. While it is the season that nature prepares to rest for winter, I am always energized by the cooler weather. I feel more creative and I usually find it a relaxing time of year. We are settling into our life here in Mountain View. This week will be the first week that we haven't had to go to Oklahoma City for appts or family events. I am looking forward to a normal week. The girls are loving life here. They often comment about how they are making friends. That is a huge answer to prayer for us.

Brian is beginning to get a handle on what is required of him and is starting to feel comfortable in his role. I am starting to find my role and place in this ministry. It has been more difficult to adjust than I ever would have imagined, but with God's help, my fears are conquered. (And when Satan tries to bring them up again, I just call on the greatest fear-flicker of all - God.) I am not usually a negative or fearful person so these last couple of months have been very frustrating for me. I'm so thankful that God has helped me conquer my fears. They drained me of my energy, my sanity and my creativity. God is so good!

Our First Married Experience With Mice

2009-09-09T12:14:00.005-05:00

I like mice. At least the cartoon kind. I definitely do NOT like mice who run in my house, look at me and dare me to stop them. Brian was convinced that there was only one mouse, I knew better, but allowed him to hope. So, after seeing a mouse in the house, we set traps. On Saturday night, around midnight, a mouse ran into the living room and looked at us before running into the entry closet. Brian had a plan. I would hold the rug across the end of the entry, thus blocking off the main house, and he would use a broom to sweep it outside.

We assumed our positions. Brian opened the closet door. The mouse streaked out and ran right back in. Brian moved a few things out of the closet and scared the mouse out. Mice are fast! It ran at Brian's leg and Brian started dancing a jig while trying to smack it with the broom. I'm barely holding on to the rug because I'm laughing so hard at Brian. Eventually, Brian got in a good swing and stunned the mouse. He swept it outside and I put the rug back. Soon, he returned with my broom in two pieces, but the mouse was dead.

Well, Brian was convinced that was the only one, but he humored me and left the traps out. Sunday night we left for the city to spend Labor Day with our family. We had a great Labor Day at my parents' house. It was a beautiful day and a fun time. The next day (Tuesday), when we returned home, there was a terrible stench in the air. Two mice had found traps on Sunday night! Hopefully, that's all of them, but I won't feel comfortable for a while.

It's finally over

2009-08-23T22:51:00.002-05:00

I've been dreading today because it is the anniversary of Jacob's death. For the last year, I have grieved losing my sweet nephew. Everyday was the first of that date without him. There are no more firsts. We've survived all of the firsts. I have thought of him each of the last 365 days with varying degrees of grief. I have come to the conclusion that I will always miss him and that grief has no rhyme or reason. I wish I was a man sometimes - I wish I had a box I could go to in my mind to escape my thoughts. I have never known a grief like this. It intensified when we moved out of our house in OKC. I am very sentimental and I attach memories to places. Everywhere I looked in that house reminded me of moments with Jacob. It was so hard to leave a place that reminded me of so many sweet memories.

Today has been better than I expected it to be. God gave me two things: 1. He reminded me that while one year ago, we were preparing to celebrate Jacob's "official" entrance to the family, God was celebrating his entrance into heaven; and 2. God has comforted me in the form of a song, "It is Well With My Soul". He keeps reminding me that in all things, because I have God, it is well with my soul and that makes all the difference.

There would have been no way for my family to survive the last year without God's love, mercy and faithfulness. He has comforted each of us in such a variety of ways and through so many people. I am so blessed to be part of a family that has such a strong faith in God.

Goodbyes

2009-07-24T21:47:00.002-05:00

Tonight is the last night that I will officially live in Oklahoma City, OK. Tomorrow morning, we will load up our "stuff" and head to Southwest Oklahoma and the town of Mountain View. It is amazing how hard it is to move. We have had to go through and decide what we will take with us and what we will need to sell. That has been tougher than I expected.

We said goodbye for now to our church family at Faith Crossing on Sunday. It was sad and sweet at the same time. We were blessed by the sweetest prayer I have ever heard. I was sad because I had made some good friends in our time there and I will miss them.

I am a very sentimental person and I attach memories and feelings to places. This house is the house that has my memories of Jacob. I hate to leave just for that reason. I see him in so many rooms of this house so it has made me very emotional to think of leaving it. (And yes, I cry over the memories of every house I live in when I say goodbye to the house - don't judge me :)

So tomorrow marks a great change in my life. Thank you friends who have prayed for us during this three year journey. I'll keep you informed of our new life.

Moving!

2009-07-17T11:04:00.003-05:00

Well, my mother commented the other day, "You need to type a new blog!" So, as an obedient daughter, I am updating everyone on the happenings of the last week. On Sunday, July 12, the First Baptist Church of Mountain View, OK, called Brian to be their pastor. Since then, we have been involved in painting the parsonage, packing, preparing for a garage sale and having sick children. I wonder why it's taken me a few days to update my blog...hmm.

The church owns a very nice parsonage and we are looking forward to settling in to small town life. (We still need to sell our house, but at least we can go ahead and move without having to be separated.) There seem to be great opportunities for friendship and fellowship and best of all, there are several children around the same ages as our girls. It is kind of scary to be moving away from home and going where the closest WalMart Supercenter is 40 minutes away ;).

We plan to spend this next week finishing the painting we want to do (I have to have color on the walls) and getting ready for the garage sale on July 24 & 25. Brian's first official Sunday is August 2, 2009. We will spend the week before that moving and getting settled. It is a new adventure and we are looking forward to the things God has planned for us.

btw - we would love to have friends come and visit - only one and one-half hours from OKC.

Happy Daddy's Day!

2009-06-21T19:35:00.004-05:00

Happy Daddy's Day to the men in my life. I am blessed to have a great dad who continues to help me out and is a fun grandpa. I have a wonderful brother-in-law who is not only a good daddy, but, as Kadie told me, "Uncle Patrick is really nice." And best of all, my Brian is a wonderful daddy who truly enjoys spending time with his girls and teaches them all sorts of interesting things.

The Big Pothole Tour

2009-06-01T08:13:00.003-05:00

WOW!! Look's like a painting, but it's not. We had the wonderful opportunity recently to take a family trip to the Big Pothole (a.k.a. Grand Canyon). It is truly a breathtaking sight. My parents took the entire family on a one week trip to see Carlsbad Caverns (also incredible) and the Grand Canyon. That equals six adults and eight children. It was a great trip and we made lots of memories and stories!

We now know what emergency room to avoid in Phoenix (thanks Brian!), that a three-year-old boy can pee in a cup traveling at 70 mph without fuss, that two eight-year-olds can be noisier than all of the other kids combined and that next time - with all of the electronics we took - we could travel with our very own wifi network.

Hi Y'all

2009-05-05T20:47:00.005-05:00

I thought I would post today and let people know that I still live. I have worked very hard the last couple of weeks to finish as many of my cases as I could before going to the Grand Canyon in 12 days. I have conquered! I have only one case that will not be turned in before I leave! Three quick appts tomorrow, one quick appt next week and I will be able to relax. I'm so excited!

Today I am trusting Jesus. I am confident that God is still working out His good and perfect plan for us. I am confident that He is going to answer our prayers in such a way that everyone will marvel at how great He is.

What's Going On In My World

2009-04-22T22:09:00.002-05:00

The last few weeks have been eventful. We have been seeking where God wants us to serve for more than a year. In the last month, we have heard from three different churches. Two are looking for education ministers and one is looking for a senior pastor. We met with the search committee from one of the churches looking for an education minister last week. Brian and I feel it went pretty well. This Sunday, we will be at the church that is looking for a senior pastor to give them a chance to hear Brian preach.

We have added a family member, hopefully a permanent addition. My sister and brother-in-law are providing emergency foster care for a teeny, tiny, chocolate baby (I'm calling her "Cocoa Puff"). She was five weeks early and Tracy spent two weeks going to the NICU twice a day to feed her. She came home on Easter Sunday.

Work is a little hectic right now. My parents are taking all of us to the Grand Canyon ("Big Pothole" according to Brian) in a few weeks, so I am trying to finish most of my cases before we go. If I can keep it up for one more week, everything will be on time.

Paige would say that the biggest event will happen in a week when she turns eight. I can't believe my baby is going to be so old.

That's pretty much my life in a nutshell for now.

Jehovah Jireh "the Lord will provide"

2009-03-29T21:41:00.005-05:00

This week my Bible Study was about Jehovah-jireh, the Lord will provide. It was timely. I need to remember that Jehovah will provide for me. And I need to remember that He is providing in ways that I am unaware. I know that He has provided us with the ability to pay our bills through August. I know that He is making provisions to sell our house. He will provide us with a church to serve in. He provides comfort even when I reject it. Jehovah will provide our needs in the right time. He provided a way for Brian to get a seminary degree. I could continue.

I have to admit that I haven't been as faithful to God lately as He has been to me. I have allowed depression and sadness to flavor my moods, especially recently. I have done this knowing all along that it was wrong. Yet, even knowing that it was wrong, I was unable to do anything differently. I hate feeling helpless. I hate not being able to find a "fix" for my own problems. I hate and am sick of being sad. I know that God wants and expects better of me and my choices. I think that is probably what bothers me the most.

In the Bible Study, there is a statement that stands out to me. It says, "Since He is God, when He sees, He foresees." He knows the end to the beginning. I'm sure that sometimes He probably wishes that I could see things from His perspective. I will remember that when Jehovah-jireh provides, He is providing with absolute knowledge of what is needed.

Next week's study is about Jehovah-rapha, the Lord who heals. I can't wait. I think I need that one just as much as I need Jehovah-jireh right now.

The Year of Thirteen Ends

2009-03-18T21:01:00.002-05:00

Today is my 14 anniversary. There is no more year of thirteen. Brian and I went on our first date Friday the 13th in August 1993. Ever since then, the number 13 has been meaningful to us. Last year, when the year of thirteen was about to begin, we had expectations that we believed would happen in the year of thirteen. We expected God to call us to a church to serve Him. We expected to sell our house and move. We expected our life to be settled by now. And we expected that we would have a chance to take a romantic vacation in celebration of the year of thirteen.

Apparently, our expectations were not God's plan for the year of thirteen. Instead of being a year of jubilee, it was a year of trial and pain. Brian's income ended in May 2008, but God provided an additional opportunity that has provided financially (it runs out in June). We began talking to a church in August and in February they decided that they would not be calling us to serve in their church. So, we had to start from the beginning and mail out resumes again. In August, we celebrated Jacob's adoption. Two weeks later, God took him to heaven.

Looking back, the year of thirteen was not very fun. However, I refuse to allow it to be wasted. Let me tell you a few things that God has done:
1. He has given us promises.
2. He has given us comfort.
3. He has given us peace.
4. He has allowed us to have experiences that will help us minister more fully to others.
5. He is teaching us through our current situation to trust and rely on Him even more than we were.
6. He has provided financially through the end of June.
7. He has kept us healthy.

I could continue for pages. The year of thirteen was hard, but I choose to see it as preparation. I thank God that He loves me enough to prepare me for the future He has planned for me.

Some Things I've Learned Over the Last Three Years....

2009-02-28T22:45:00.002-06:00

The last three years have been educational, insightful and maturing for me. I have never had an issue trusting God. I have never doubted His presence. I have never doubted He had a plan for me. I have never doubted that He would provide for me. The experiences of the last three years, especially the last six months, have provided me an opportunity to exercise my trust. The hardest thing right now, is to look at the bank statement and not worry over what will happen when there isn't enough to cover our expenses. I know that worry is a sin, because it essentially means that we are not trusting God to take care of us. At the end of the day, I want God to be pleased with me. I want Him to look at me the way He saw Job. We have experienced many of the things that happened to Job. We have experienced bad health, lost our financial security, we have lost a close relative and we were betrayed by those we trusted. Just like Job, "I had heard of the Lord, but now I have seen Him."

God still has a plan for us. We will still serve Him. He will redeem our losses two-fold and bless us beyond any expectation.

It's a Jungle Out There...

2009-02-16T12:05:00.002-06:00

I have recently started watching the show, "Monk". I am really starting to appreciate the theme song. It's the struggle between what you want to believe and what reality really is. It makes me smile just to think of the words. Personally, I feel that I'm trying to find my way out of a jungle. I can definitely think of better times than the one I am living in right now. I want to believe that the world is full of nice people, but it's not. I want to believe that everything will work out the way I think it should, but it doesn't. I want to believe that I'm doing OK and things are normal, but, as anyone who knows me can testify, that's never been true.

I have been reading about the Israelites and their journey through the wilderness. There are a few things that reassure me from their experience. One, there is a path to follow. Almost three years ago, Brian and I set out on a path. We didn't know where it would take us, but we knew we were supposed to follow. Two, God is a God of detail and order. The attention He paid to the smallest detail regarding the temple and its furnishings reassures me that everything has a place in His plan. Three, He was in constant communication and was available to answer questions. This tells me that God is not too busy to reassure me when I need it. And believe me, lately I've needed a lot of reassuring. Because of His plan for my life, I can live in the jungle as long as He wants me, too. I can not only live, but survive and thrive if I let Him work through me.

While things aren't as good for us right now as I had hoped, we haven't been abandoned by God. We get to see our family at least once a week. We still have a loving church family. I have a Bible study group to be a part of. My children are learning. They get to enjoy PE with other homeschooled children. My family enjoys good health. There are so many ways that God proves His love for me. Do you let Him prove His love for you?

Wheeeee! Let Me Off This Thing!

2009-02-12T13:22:00.003-06:00

We are continuing our roller coaster ride. It began three years ago this April. We began looking for a church in March 2008. We recently were set back to square one and have started sending out resumes again. Our situation is much different than it was a year ago. I am exhausted and I'm ready to find out where the end of this ride will leave us.

If you think of us, please pray specifically about these things: we will know what God wants us to do right now; our house will sell quickly; and we will prepare ourselves to do the work that God will have for us.

Living Beyond My Means

2009-02-01T19:04:00.003-06:00

Can you believe it? It is already February! I thought that I would have had exciting news to share with you, but alas, I do not. I can share some of what God has been telling me. On Friday, as I'm driving home from an appointment (and stressing about our finances), I asked God to help me find my One Year Chronological Bible. I had been looking for it off and on for several months and had run out of places to look. Well, Saturday morning dawns and I am hit by a burst of energy, so I decide to clean out my closet. Scaaaarrry! As I am digging around and pulling things out, I come across a basket and there is my Bible!!

After I finished cleaning the closet, I sat down to read the scripture for January 31. I found myself in Job 40:6 - 42:17. As I'm reading, I came across one of my favorite verses. Job 42:5, where Job is resonding to God's challenge, "I had heard about You before, but now I have seen You with my own eyes." I love this verse because I feel it everytime I go through a trial. The reading continues with God blessing Job with twice what he had taken away and with the birth of ten more children. In this group of verses, God promised me that he would give us a ministry that will be twice what we have ever experienced.

Brian and I have recently had a few discussions prompted by a church billboard we passed. It said, "Living beyond your means is the worst feeling in the world". Well, I can tell you that Brian and I both believe that living without Jesus is the worst feeling in the world. As we talked, we started talking about the fact that in Christ, we live beyond our means all the time. Through Christ, we are able to live an abundant life beyond anything we are capable of. God has told us that He will soon bless us with a ministry. It will be more than anything we can imagine and it will be more than we can handle alone. We will be like Job, whom God restored and richly blessed.

Patience...Not My Virtue

2009-01-25T22:33:00.002-06:00

Being patient is HARD!

Looking back, I've had a really good week. I got to spend all day on Monday with our friends and played Rockband until we got hungry. I went to lunch on Thursday with a friend that I haven't seen in many years. We talked non-stop for more than two hours until we decided that she probably needed to get back to work. It was wonderful to catch up and see this friend of mine walking with God and at peace with herself. I even spent quality time last night with my cousin's family and got to play with their sweet baby boy. So, why was this such a hard week?

As I think about it, there are many factors involved. There is the stress of the lack of financial security. I am still grieving and missing my nephew. My sister and brother-in-law are waiting for special news. We are waiting for DHS to complete their adoption of S and J. We were supposed to receive a phone call this week that would let us know what our immediate future holds. The combination of all of these things together is becoming almost more than I can stand.

We are still waiting. I am trying to be patient. I keep reminding myself that God has a plan for us. I keep reminding myself that God will not give more than I can bear. A few months ago, God gave me a verse, "Indeed he was ill, and almost died. But God had mercy on him, and not on him only but also on me, to spare me sorrow upon sorrow." Phil 2:27. Paul was talking about his friend, Epaphroditus, who had been very sick. This has become the verse I cling to. There have been many sorrows for us in the last three years and God gave me that verse as a promise. I am just having trouble waiting for everything to be ready in His time.

In More Recent News...

2009-01-16T10:33:00.004-06:00

I haven't had much to say lately. I have gotten pretty depressed over the "Brian needs a church" excitement. However, on Wednesday, we got a reprieve! Brian will be preaching for a search committee this Sunday. The church I grew up in has allowed Brian a place to preach several times and is doing so again in order to help us. So, keep praying, we might be able to see around the bend in the road and find that we have arrived at our destination.

2009-01-07T22:51:00.002-06:00

Still no phone call. Thanks for your continued prayers.

Still Waiting

2009-01-07T09:56:00.004-06:00

Why is it that when I have plenty to do, I can find distractions, but when I NEED a distraction, I can't find one? At least, not one that I like. The Bible tells me that things will move quickly from today, but I am ready to have confirmation on that. I am so ready to be on staff again.

Waiting

2009-01-04T19:42:00.002-06:00

I am waiting. On Tuesday night, a search committee will be meeting to discuss who God is calling to be their pastor. Brian and I have both received promises from God about this church. It is hard to wait to see if we interpreted His promises correctly. We hope to get a phone call on Wednesday telling us that Brian is their choice. I don't wait well.

I have learned much in the last three years. Patience still comes hard. I am trying my best not to doubt and am successful sometimes. I so wish I could put it to the back of my mind and not think about it until Brian tells me he has gotten a phone call. I guess I will just have to be patient a few more days.

Happy New Year!

2008-12-31T22:39:00.003-06:00

My prayer is that 2009 will be blessed by God for our country. I pray that God will bless my family with peace and joy. I pray that He will turn our sorrow into joy. I pray that He will bless us with a ministry. I pray that God will bless my friends. I pray that He will bless my enemies.

Happy New Year! May God bless all who read this blog and bring you to a closer walk with Him.

Christmas is Over, New Year's is Coming

2008-12-26T12:33:00.002-06:00

Well, another Christmas is over and, as always, I'm relieved. I know, that sounds Scrooge-ish, but it's true. Everyone seemed pleased with their gifts and Grandma Queen even felt good enough to come to everyone's house instead of waiting for us at Mom's.

I am looking forward to what 2009 will hold for us. I am hopeful that it will include a new place of ministry for us. I hope that my children will continue to grow in their understanding and relationship with Jesus. I hope that my husband will continue to enjoy better health. I hope that I will be able to stick to a diet and drop these pounds that I have been working on since forever :D.

Well, regardless of what 2009 will hold for us, I am secure in the knowledge that God has gone before us and has a good plan for our lives. Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas Everyone

2008-12-23T11:49:00.003-06:00

This Christmas is bitter-sweet for my family. Christmas is always a sweet time of remembering the beginning of our salvation. This year, with the loss of Jacob and Brian's lack of employment, it is sad for us. I keep having to go to God and ask Him to help me grieve without sinning and for help to trust Him for our future without doubting. All of this has added stress to the season.

In the midst of our sadness and uncertainty, we have the promise of a future and a God who loves us. Merry Christmas to you and yours! And remember, the depth of God's love for you is even greater than the sacrifice of His Son for your sake.

Have You Heard About Facebook?

2008-12-18T20:27:00.002-06:00

I'm addicted. I have had facebook for about a week and spend all of my time looking up old friends and spying. It is a great way to stay connected with current friends and to reconnect with old friends. I haven't talked to some of these people since 1992! It is so exciting to find out how their lives are going and what they have done.

In addition to my own addiction, my husband has caught the fever. He's even worse than I am! He's having a lot of fun commenting and finding people. I may have to start restricting his access.

Brrr! Welcome to 60 degree weather changes in less than 6 hours

2008-12-16T10:54:00.002-06:00

Don't you just love Oklahoma? Sunday - 74 degrees at 1:00pm, 44 degrees at 4:00pm and 17 degrees by midnight! I like it when it gets cold. I can always add layers to warm up. When it's hot, there is a limit to what you can take off and still be decent. I'm glad it got cold before Christmas. It helps me to get in the holiday mood.

A Christmas Poem

2008-12-07T20:30:00.004-06:00

Christmas is coming! It's almost here.
There are still presents to buy and people to cheer.
Christmas is coming, my house is a wreck,
with decorations and candy, oh well, what the heck!
I'll gain a few pounds, and pretend that I don't,
then I won't allow pictures, I won't, no I won't!

Christmas is coming! It's almost here.
Soon we'll see Santa and his eight tiny reindeer.
Christmas is coming, my family is ready.
There are presents and movies and the tree is still steady,
I think that is all, what else could there be?
Oh wait, of course, it's the baby, you see.

Christmas is coming! It's almost here.
But it actually came in a much different year.
Christmas is coming, the way is prepared,
For Jesus was born because God really cared.
He cared about you, He cared about me.
He cared so much, that He died for us you see.

Christmas is coming! It's almost here.
I almost forgot in all of the material cheer,
Christmas is coming, what gift could I bring?
I haven't the money, to give Him a thing.
I guess I will have to give Him the one thing that's mine,
I will give him myself, it will be just fine.

Christmas is coming! It's almost here.
Time to celebrate and remember all that you hear,
Christmas is coming, remember it well,
It isn't the presents, the candy, the sales,
It's the birthday of Jesus to celebrate,
The coming of the King that demolishes hate!

Merry Christmas!

Yeah! Happy Thanksgiving!

2008-11-26T21:25:00.004-06:00

We have had a good day at my house. The day started with a phone call from a local church wanting to schedule a second appointment with Brian. God is good. We are so excited. They also want me to come to this interview. So, I might have to do a little shopping for clothes (won't that just be terrible!). The entire day has been pretty calm and quiet. I like those days.

Tomorrow, we will be going to my parents' house and stuffing our faces from lunch til bedtime. (We do nothing unless we do it big!) We will be "making memories" as Kadie would say. We are fortunate to have all of our family living close. We are able to celebrate everything together.

Happy Thanksgiving! "Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, His love endures forever." Psalm 107:1

Pssst! Christmas is Coming!

2008-11-20T19:56:00.003-06:00

Christmas spirit is alive at my house! I love Christmas! A few weeks ago, Brian began reminding us that "Christmas is Coming". We have already started watching Christmas movies. (We have somewhere around thirty to watch this year. ;)

I know, it isn't even Thanksgiving yet. That's OK. We'll eat turkey and spend the day enjoying family just like most people. The only difference is that since it is at my mom's house, I can decorate for Christmas this weekend!

OK, I know, there's something wrong with me. I can't help it. I've always loved Christmas.

Not What We Wanted to Hear

2008-11-18T19:47:00.003-06:00

The medical examiner has ruled that Jacob's death was caused by asphyxiation. The police detective determined it was accidental and apparently, she was very kind when she called to share this info with my sister. This is not exactly what we were wanting to hear. We wanted to be told that Jacob had a heart condition that we couldn't have known about. I have to keep telling myself that if God wanted it different, it would have been. I know that I have no medical training, (other than motherhood) but I had been told several years ago in college that children are so resilient, that if there is nothing else wrong, they can be revived. Although Jacob received CPR almost immediately, he never revived. So, for my sanity, I will believe that God took him before the accident in order to spare Jacob.

I wish baths helped me like they do my sister. I hope she is able to get all wrinkly and pruny tonight. I will have to struggle through by losing myself in a book. If you read this, please keep my family in your prayers as Satan will attack us with guilt and try to convince us that we could have changed what God had already ordained.

Baby, It's Cold Outside!

2008-11-18T09:48:00.002-06:00

Well, not really, but it's coming! On Thursday to be exact. For exactly one day.

I love colder weather (not arctic). I love snuggling in my bed with my blankets and hubby. I love wearing sweaters and being able to drink hot coffee without breaking into a sweat. If I could, I would live farther north where they get real snow and when it gets cold, it stays that way. It would be such a novelty for this OKC girl.

I've been after Brian to let us take a vacation where we could show the girls (and ourselves) what real snow is like. I think if he had a job, we would be planning it.

I will enjoy Thursday. I will wear my sweater. I will snuggle in my bed. And, I will drink my hot coffee without sweating!

Boycotts - Do They Work?

2008-11-14T19:55:00.002-06:00

Several months ago, McD's began to openly support a homosexual political agency. The American Family Association (AFA) encouraged a boycott, so I waved bye-bye to McD's. Within a few months, McD's reversed their decision. The AFA recently sent out an alert regarding Pepsi Co. They donated $500,000 to a homosexual group after being sent two letters by the AFA encouraging them to remain neutral. They didn't. So, now I get to say bye-bye to Pepsi products. For me this includes the restaurants that serve Pepsi products (Taco Bell, KFC, Little Caesar's and Pizza Hut to name a few). I would encourage you to join me in this choice to express your values and to support a boycott of all Pepsi products.

I know that for some (including my sister) it would be a huge sacrifice, but seeing the result of the McD's boycott I can only hope to see the same result with Pepsi Co.

You can go to the AFA website (www.afa.net) to read the article and learn more.

The Imagination of a Child

2008-11-11T23:17:00.004-06:00

I have no fear that my daughters use their imaginations. During school yesterday, Kadie was asked - What planet would you like to visit and why. Her response was, "I would like to go to Mars and see if Martians are real." When I asked her about it, she said that there are martians on Duck Dodgers and she wants to know if they are real. Today, very seriously, she told her daddy that she thinks there is a 50/50 chance that Pokemon are real.

Laughing - It's Good For You

2008-11-11T00:36:00.002-06:00

My oldest, Kadie, made me laugh today. However, it didn't start out funny. I was telling her to do something and she was ignoring me. So I said, "Am I speaking in German? Is that why you aren't doing what I said?" Kadie's response was, "You don't speak German, Papa does!" I responded, "Papa doesn't speak German!" She said (and I quote), "He knows all of the curse words!" I was shocked for a brief moment before defending my dad by telling her that he may know them, but he certainly doesn't say them. Then I went to my room to laugh and call my mom and tell her what Kadie had said. Fortunately, Papa has a great sense of humor.

Contentment

2008-11-07T10:16:00.003-06:00

I am content today. I have my work under control, my children are happy and I have nothing on my calendar for today. I am content. Have you ever looked up the definition of contentment? Webster says it is "ease of mind or satisfaction". I am one of those people that hate to have things hanging over them waiting to be done. I usually have to have everything finished and out of the way before I can relax. Contentment is not usually something that I can claim. I'm working on it. Paul says in Phillippians 4:12-13, "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." So I know God desires this for me.

I was looking for the word "content" in the concordance and came across this verse. In Proverbs 19:23 it says, "The fear of the LORD leads to life: Then one rests content, untouched by trouble." It speaks to me. When I look at that verse, I don't take it to mean that because I believe in Jesus, I will never have troubles. I take it to mean that because I believe in Jesus, the troubles have no power over me. I have troubles. I could list them out and dwell on them. I could work myself into a good, old-fashioned pity party. I could shut God out and blame Him for allowing me to have troubles. For me, contentment is being able to fear (a reverent awe) the Lord and trust that what He says, He will do. Because I fear Him, I can place my troubles into the right perspective and praise God because of them.

Do I Have Faith?

2008-10-31T23:01:00.003-05:00

Do I have faith? Yes, I have faith. The last two and one-half years have been enough to prove that to me. When we left the church we had served in for almost nine years, the circumstances proved to me that God really is in control of me and my life. I learned that my choices are important and that listening to advice from others is OK, but listening to direction from God is the best. The financial struggles since then have taught me to trust Him even more. In March we began to seriously pursue a pastoral position for Brian. In April, I was praying and telling God that if He wanted us to move away, live in a little house, have a small income, etc. that I would be okay with it. God's response was to tell me that if that was all I asked for, that was all I would get. In my effort to be willing, I was expecting the least and putting God in a box. I was telling Him that I didn't trust Him to give me good gifts. There is a verse, "Taste and see that the Lord is good. Oh the joys of those who trust in Him!" Psalm 34:8. I love this verse. I first experienced it when we found our second house. It was almost twice as big and well within the budget we had set for ourselves. It was far beyond what I had expected or even allowed myself to dream. I took His response in April to mean that I needed to trust Him to exceed my expectations and to give Him the freedom to bless me.

I was given another trial of my faith in August when my nephew died. I was faced with the choice to either absolutely believe everything in God's Word or I could believe nothing. (Including the verses that speak of God knowing every day of a life even before birth.) Through the grace of God, I made the decision to believe Him. I am enjoying a Bible study through my church titled "Becoming a Woman of Faith". There is a woman in our group who suffered the suicide of her barely adult son two years ago. She is still having trouble understanding why God has allowed this to happen when she prayed and prayed that He help her son. I had the opportunity to use what God has shown me in my grief to hopefully help her a little with hers.

I don't know all of the reasons God has for the trials and tests we face, but I know that without them, my faith would never be strengthened. I am not going to say that I am adjusted to life without Jacob. However, I am certain that because God has been growing my faith, I can be comforted by Him. I can trust Him to be in absolute, loving control.

Shopping is Evil

2008-10-27T21:50:00.002-05:00

I swear, when I am just out window shopping I can find all sorts of clothes in the colors I want, but when I actually need a certain item of clothing in a certain color, it's nowhere to be found. I need a nice dark green or navy blue shirt to match the Christmas dresses I bought for my girls. It's as if the clothing industry knew what I was going to want and sent out a memo - No dark blue or dark green until after Christmas! Anyway, I know this isn't all that important, but it's nice to vent.

Getting Old

2008-10-17T20:26:00.004-05:00

I have started to feel old. I have aches and pains that I don't remember earning. Or maybe it's my memory starting to fail. A few weeks ago, we were at Mazzio's with all of the family for lunch and I was trying to ask my niece to go get me a plate. The problem was that I couldn't remember the word, "plate". So I find myself describing it to her, "it's round, you put food on it". She looked at me like I had completely lost my mind and then she (and the rest of the table) burst out laughing. I catch myself remembering "the good, old days". You know, the ones before bills and children. I see new lines on my face. I keep telling myself that it adds character and interest (yeah, right).

Right after I married Brian, there were those who were surprised by my young age in light of Brian's ministry position. I reassured myself then with the comment that I am just the age that God intended me to be. I have to remind myself of that more often lately. I was talking with my friend tonight and wished her a happy birthday. She told me that she was pretty depressed yesterday because she was starting to feel old. She said that she almost emailed me because she knew I would understand. Good thing we're good friends or I might have been offended ;).

Oh well, I guess there are worse things than getting old.

The One About Biblical Clarification

2008-10-15T23:13:00.005-05:00

I have been reading Wade Burleson's blog recently (www.kerussocharis.blogspot.com) and I must confess that I waver between disbelief and anger as I read the information he provides. For those who are unaware, Wade is the pastor of a church in Enid, OK and is very concerned about the way some in authority are interpreting the Bible to fit their own comfort levels, whether or not it is accurate. One of the more recent causes he has been supporting is that of Dr. Sheri Klouda who was fired from teaching at a Southern Baptist seminary simply because she was a woman who taught Hebrew and that "placed her in authority over a man". There are those who are choosing to interpret the Bible to say that women are only to be mothers and grandmothers. It makes me want to scream when people choose to take a few verses out of context and use them to push their agenda. There are scriptures in both the Old and New Testaments that give examples of women in authority over men. Most memorably is the judge, Deborah, (she's my favorite). There is also Priscilla who, along with her husband, instructed a man - who was preaching - in the ways of Christ and His teachings. I am by no means a feminist, but my Bible tells me that we are all the same in Christ. Wade's views on the subject and his ability to point out the Biblical discrepancies of others - along with Biblical truths, has been educational and helps me see the big picture. I thought it might be helpful to others as well. Reading his blog keeps me up-to-date not only with things going on in the SBC, but with Christianity in general. I don't always understand absolutely everything (Mr. I have a Seminary Degree - A.K.A. my hubby , Brian, knows all the big words and can usually explain it to me), but I get most of it. If you are interested in this subject, check out his website - www.kerussocharis.blogspot.com.

God is Good!

2008-10-08T12:00:00.004-05:00

The test results for my grandma are back and there is NO CANCER!!! They were able to identify the problem and should be able to correct it with medication or a minor procedure. God is so good to us.

Brian met with the search committee of a local church last night and feels that it went really well. They want to call a pastor by Thanksgiving, so if nothing else, we will know something soon. This is the church where Brian believes God wants us to be. We just want to make sure that we are in God's will during all of this. I personally think it would be just like God to bless the socks off of us by allowing us to remain local. Last spring, I was praying and asking God to go before us regarding our future church. I was hoping to stay local, but preparing myself for the worst. As I was praying, God told me that I was limiting Him. He basically told me that if all I asked for was a church where we could scrape by, He would provide it. But, if I asked Him for what I truly desired, just hang on and see what He will do! So, I am hanging on and figure that God is big enough to provide for us in ways that I can't even imagine.

I was driving home from PE this morning and a song from several years ago (and many trips to Falls Creek) kept running through my head. Unfortunately, I could only remember one phrase - "God is good, all the time, He put a song of praise in this heart of mine". God has been good to us, even in our grief. He is giving us our hope for the future. He has brought a baby safely into our extended family. He is providing for our financial needs. He continues to comfort us. He is so good.

Home Sweet Home/Prayer Requests

2008-10-03T21:26:00.002-05:00

We're home! I am so glad to be back. We have taken a family trip to Branson for the last three years. This year's trip was harder than any of us expected. We are coming off of three deaths and Patrick is on a business trip to Boston so there were two people missing this year. My grandma had a CAT scan yesterday where they are looking for liver cancer so my mom was on edge. However, we couldn't have asked for the weather to be prettier or more comfortable. The kids seemed to have a great time. And, last but definitely not least, we are safe.

Prayer Needs:
I am starting my yearly bout with depression early this year. It doesn't usually hit me until sometime in November, but I've been fighting it for the last few weeks already. I'm sure it's due to the lack of a church to serve in and to the loss of Jacob. I miss him terribly. I try not to dwell on it, but memories will pop up and it's all I can do not to cry out loud. I was looking through my pictures for backgrounds and came across pictures I forgot I had taken. One day when Jacob was at my house, he got "stuck" in my bed. The look on his face was priceless. I try to remember the happy things, but right now all of my memories have a bitter-sweet taste.

It is possible that my grandma has liver cancer. My mother lost her father on the same day that we lost Jacob. It would be really hard if we lost Grandma this year, too. I know that God will not send us anymore than we can stand and I'm truly glad that we can lean on Him. I keep holding to the promises He gives and asking Him to show me their fruition.

Brian was contacted by a local church and will be going to talk to them on Tuesday. So that is a bit of encouraging news. I really need something tangible to look forward to right now.

Vacation to the Mountaintop

2008-09-29T10:50:00.003-05:00

Well, I have been running around the house trying to remember everything that we might possibly need to take to the mountaintop this week. We are participating in a family vacation to Branson, MO. I love to take road trips and see new things. I have childhood memories of taking big trips to places like St. Louis and Yellowstone National Park. On the Yellowstone trip, my grandma went with us and we giggled so much that Mom got on to both of us! I love vacations, my husband does not. It drives me nuts! However, he is much better about them than the rest of his family. He is content to get there when we get there and change plans as needed. He just doesn't want to make any decisions. For me, not having to make all the decisions that mommies have to make IS a vacation. Well, we will have lots of fun anyway! I'm off to a quick trip to the mountain top - don't miss me too much ;).

Mountaintops vs. Valleys

2008-09-23T13:24:00.003-05:00

I was praying in the shower this morning (it's about the only alone time I get) and was asking God to take me to a few mountain tops and get me out of this valley for awhile. As I was praying, I mentioned that I wasn't complaining. Then I realized that I was. God began to remind me that in the valleys, there is lush growth and green while on the mountain tops, nothing really grows. In the valley, you can take shelter. On a mountain top, you are buffeted by the elements. In the valleys, there are crowds of people. On a mountain top there is loneliness. In a valley, you can walk together. On a mountain top, it's usually single file. It is easy to breathe in a valley. On a mountain top, the air is thin. In a valley, it is easy to get there. Traveling to a mountain top is hard work.

So what did I learn? I'm in the valley so that I can grow. I'm in the valley so that I can be sheltered. I'm in the valley so that I won't be alone. I'm in the valley so that I can travel through life with others. I'm in the valley so I can breathe. I'm in the valley so I can arrive. Seen this way, how can I ask God to move me to a mountain top? I must be insane. I think I'll be content to stay in this valley awhile longer.

Prayer Need

2008-09-22T16:10:00.002-05:00

Okay, when it rains it pours. One month ago, on the same day, my nephew and my mom's dad died. On Saturday, my great-uncle (my mom's uncle) died unexpectedly. Today, my grandmother (my mom's mom) went to the doctor and the doctor suspects that she might have liver cancer. Don't know when the cat-scan is scheduled, but would like to ask anyone who reads this to pray for my family as we travel this valley. (I keep telling God that I'd sure like to visit a mountain top right about now - and I don't mean going to Branson, MO.) Also, although we have been contacted by a few churches, we do not have a place to serve yet. So that is another concern.

Mean Old Men are . . . MEAN!

2008-09-21T21:14:00.002-05:00

I swear, I hate my job sometimes. What has happened to politeness? I had an old man, the father in one of my cases, send me a hateful email. Just because I had not been able to supply an email to him because I was waiting on info from a reader. He actually threatened me saying, " I will not hesitate to take it to a 'higher' authority." Well, bite me! It was his own supervisor's fault that the case took so long to finish!

I am seriously going to need to watch my mouth and attitude Monday night when I meet with this family. I sent back a polite email explaining the situation and apologizing (didn't really mean it, though). Brian thought that my response was appropriate, so hopefully I won't antagonize him further. It wouldn't have taken him any more effort to be polite than to be ugly. Arghh!! I hate it when people are mean for no real reason. I was tempted to inform him that I do not work on the weekends, just like he doesn't. Oh well, like I keep telling my children, we are not responsible for the actions of others, but for our own.

Can't Wait 'til Tomorrow

2008-09-17T18:18:00.003-05:00

Okay, I know this is silly, but as my Arbonne lady can confirm, I love make-up! My most recent order is coming tomorrow and I am so excited! I know, pretty sad, but I need something to look forward to and right now this is it.

I'm also a bit more positive about my job today. I am waiting for some references to finish up four very late cases, but I feel that I am back on top of my case load. I hate having things hanging over me and it is such a relief to me to be this close to finishing all but two cases. (The other two cases are on time so far.)

I am looking forward to a family vacation in a few weeks. I love the 80 degree weather we are having. So, my outlook is brighter today.

Frustration!

2008-09-15T16:14:00.003-05:00

I am so frustrated with my job. I want to quit. Actually, I've wanted to quit since June. No, I take that back, I haven't wanted to work since I got married. So, technically, I've wanted to quit ever since I took the job ;). I pretty much enjoyed it until my supervisor quit and the powers that be chose not to rehire for her position. Now, I understand that there are adjustments to be made when a business changes procedures. But, I expect the changes to be thought through and communicated in a timely way. There is some consolation in the fact that others feel the same way, but I like to know what is expected ahead of time in order to deliver quality work. It seems that everytime I get settled into the new way of doing things, there is another new way. So, right now I'm very frustrated.

I really want a church to call Brian soon so that I can get back to my normal lifestyle. Or at least some semblance of normalcy.

He Knows MY Name!

2008-09-13T08:52:00.002-05:00

There is a song that has been running through my head for the last two days. It says, "(verse 1) I have a Maker, He formed my heart. Before even time began, my life was in His hands. (Chorus) He knows my name, He knows my every thought. He sees each tear that falls and He hears me when I call. (verse 2) I have a Father, He calls me His own. He'll never leave me no matter where I go." How incredible is that?!

I am insignificant in the grand scheme of this world. I am unimportant to those who pass by. There is only a small number of people who actually know my name, but that is not important. God knows my name and it is written in His book of life! I may be insignificant and small to those of this world, but I am worth the life of God's Son in the next world. I am important to Him, so important that He listens for me every moment of every day. HE KNOWS MY NAME!

Being Encouraged

2008-09-10T16:49:00.003-05:00

I don't know about you, but it seems that I find encouragement when I least expect it (but most need it). I was all set to feel sorry for myself today due to a combination of sleep deprivation and sadness. I get to PE with my girls and sit down for a quiet chat, all the while telling myself to be happy and enjoy the moment. After a bit, I had the opportunity to share a little about our current ministry situation and our desire to serve God by pastoring a church. Later, as I'm preparing to leave, I had the chance to speak to another mom who has been through a different type of trial after her husband's stroke. As I was talking with her, I was reminded that no matter what the circumstance, we can be assured that God is with us and has a plan for us.

I was about to walk out the door and another mom stopped to talk with me. At first, I started to feel sorry for myself again thinking, "Here is another person who wants to know how my sister and her family is doing, without a thought to the fact that I am grieving, too." (I have been reminding myself that no one does this to intentionally hurt me, they are just concerned for Tracy and that is where their focus is. I'm usually alright with this and let it roll off.) Then, as the conversation continued, she began asking about how things are for my husband. She let me know that she was consistently praying that God would lead us to our new church. Just as I get all ready to feel sorry for myself, someone has the nerve to encourage me! I'm so thankful when this happens. It's all part of the process of God keeping me from sinning in my grief. While I am finding it hard to sleep right now and nighttime is when I remember the sweetness of our Jacob and miss him, I can find comfort in the small things that God is doing to show me He is there.

Our Sadness

2008-09-09T18:22:00.002-05:00

Two weeks ago, my newly adopted, two-year-old nephew, Jacob, died suddenly on the morning of his adoption celebration. Needless to say, I was stunned. I have always called Jacob "my baby". I had a special relationship with him from the time he was placed with my sister by DHS. It would make my mom mad sometimes, because he wanted me and not her. I was the recipient of many wet, sloppy kisses. (He drooled more than any other baby I've ever known.) Jacob called me "Shuggy" just like all of the other nieces and nephews. Of course, his version sounded more like, "Shuuuuuuuuugggyy". I never did figure out where he got his drawl. Jacob had the best giggle of any baby and I loved him very much.

I woke up that day anticipating a family party and a fun day. About ten minutes later, my mom called and my world fell apart. We spent three or four hours at Southwest, crying and waiting for a chance to hold Jacob one last time. Unfortunately, we were never allowed that small bit of comfort. Pediatric deaths are treated as homocides, therefore, the room where Jacob was became a crime scene. I can't imagine what we could have done to him, he was already gone. They would not even allow us to look in at him. I think that was the worst part for me and for Tracy. They kept telling us that the ME should soon release him and we could see him. Eventually, we were told that it wasn't going to happen. At that point, Brian took Patrick back to their house to give a statement to the police detective and I went with Tracy's to our friends' house to wait and check on the kids. Once everything was done, Brian and I went home to tell the girls what had happened and to try and have a little normalcy.

At about six in the evening, I received a phone call from my nephew, Justin, (he is the one who found Jacob). He wanted to know if he could spend the night. He didn't know it, but I would have stood on my head and sung for him if he had asked. So, we loaded up and went to my sister's. We stayed for a while and visited with other family members who were there. We ended up with Justin and Bryce that night. Oh my goodness, was that hard! I am so glad that we were able to be there for them and help them in their grief. The next day was Kadie's birthday. We went to church and met with the family at Chili's afterward. The rest of the day was spent at Tracy's. As a mommy, my heart was broken in two different directions: I wanted my baby back and I wanted my baby girl to have a happy birthday.

That night, I finally had a chance to be alone and grieve. As I cried, all I could think was that while God knew the exact moment that Jacob would go to heaven, it took me by surprise. I was so looking forward to seeing the man he would become and welcoming his future wife into our family. I wanted to touch him just one more time and say goodbye. I also wanted to make sure that even in my grief, I did not sin. God is so good. Even in my grief, He is with me. Not only comforting me, but also keeping me from sin. I do not and have not blamed Him. I have been able to accept that this was His will. I am comforted by the fact that Jacob's death was instant and he was not afraid and did not suffer.

The night before his death, I had the privilege of taking him and his siblings home and getting him ready for bed. I got to change him, play with him and get a big hug and kiss before telling him I loved him and putting him in bed. It is such a special memory to me.

The funeral was on Tuesday morning. The pastor, Doug, did a fabulous job. The people who came were welcome and unexpected. The judge who had judiciated over Jacob's case closed his court room and attended with his staff. Several DHS case workers attended, not to mention the friends and family who were there. This was such a comfort to us all.

I will say that I have been lonely in my grief. Brian was not as attached to Jacob as I was. I usually spend time with my sister and her children at least twice a week. I think that even though it's only been two weeks, he is tired of not being able to "fix" me. He hasn't said it, but I think he's tired of me telling him that I am sad. I don't blame him. It's his job to take care of me and fix the things that bother me. It frustrates him that he can't fix this for me. I am comforted by the fact that God is still revealing Himself to me and is with me all the time.

Who am I?

2008-09-09T15:39:00.000-05:00

My name is Ginna. I was born and raised in Oklahoma City, OK. My parents, George and Helen, have been married for more than forty years. I have one sister, Tracy (my older sister), who is married to Patrick. I have one bio-niece, three bio-nephews, one adopted nephew, one foster nephew (soon to be adopted) and one foster niece (soon to be adopted).

I began dating my husband, Brian, at the beginning of my sophomore year in college. He was a senior at Oklahoma Baptist University. We were married in March 1995, nineteen months after our first date (August 13 - a Friday!). Four years later, we had our first child, Kadie. Twenty months after that, we had our second daughter, Paige. I finished my Bachelor's degree in Family and Childhood Development in 2002 (took me ten years - but I got it!) when my youngest was twenty months old. I was then able to throw myself into being a full-time mommy and wife. Two and a half years ago, my husband left his position as associate pastor and went to work for my dad, building houses. He was working on his seminary degree and found that the stress of ministry, family and school were detrimental to his health and happiness. (Not to mention my sanity!) At that time, I also started to do homestudies that are used by DHS to approve families to adopt or foster children.

For the last five years I have homeschooled my children, Kadie (age 9) and Paige (age 7), with the support and help of my wonderful husband, Brian. As a couple, we have been involved in ministry for the last fifteen years. My husband as a youth minister and associate minister and me as an extremely active minister's wife. For the last two and one-half years, we have not served on the staff of a church while Brian finished his Master's degree.

We have recently come to a new curve in the road God has given us to travel - Where will He want us to serve now that we are equipped? Brian completed his seminary degree in May 2008. We have been contacted by a few churches, but are still in the beginning stages of finding the church that is for us. For me personally, this is very frustrating because I have no outlet for my ideas and energy! And I can't plan!! I am excited about what God is doing but it is hard to be patient.